last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
and she was petting her beer can
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
