I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
