Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
