i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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