you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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