Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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