Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
