I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize