we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize