you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
