I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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