I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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