i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
