he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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