I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
