I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
