just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
