I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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