If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
