ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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