as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
