1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
