Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
