the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
