wat bout pragnant strippers??
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
