It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
