this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
