I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
