oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
