And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
