walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
