I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
