Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
