Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
