Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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