he shaved USA in his pubs
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize