matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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