my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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