I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
