I faked an abortion last night.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
