how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
