Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Even my vagina gasped.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
