im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
