capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
