last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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