Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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