So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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