trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
