I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
