So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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