i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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