i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
