I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
FUCK WHALES
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
