The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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