One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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