theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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