I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
