The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
