I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
