Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
