so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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