i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
