he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You made out with two different species that night
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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