I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
