why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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